After the popularity of The Traitors UK’s last season, the BBC is treating us to an extra dose of Cluedo-esque countryside mansion antics: The Celebrity Traitors.
With a cast of high-profile personalities including Stephen Fry, Paloma Faith, Niko Omilana and Cat Burns joining the guest list, the traitors’ antics are sure to provide a welcome Wednesday night distraction from the grey London weather and first-term blues.
To celebrate the return of Claudia Winkleman’s fringe to our screens this week, we’ve ranked (almost) every London uni based on how long they’d last before getting eliminated or murdered.
10. Brunel
Brunel would be that one contestant who spends the whole introduction talking about how good they’d be as a traitor but doesn’t get the shoulder tap- just like they talk about being a London uni even though they have to max out their TfL fare to get to central. They’d get eliminated at the first roundtable because of how suspicious they made themselves look.
9. Imperial
Imperial would enter the competition hyper-focused on strategy and investigation and forget to socialise, making them an easy target for a suspicion-free murder. Plus, their intelligence would get them pinned as a threat to the traitors (RIP Lin).
8. UAL
After coming in strong with a lot of opinions and quickly making a lot of friends, UAL would get murdered just as quickly for being too prominent of a voice at the round table. Either that, or they’d be the first traitor to go after overthinking their fake reactions and drawing a bit too much attention to themselves.
7. QMUL
QMUL would be best represented by the parent-of-three looking for some excitement who desperately wants to be a traitor and mentally checks out as soon as they don’t get a shoulder tap from Auntie Claud. While everyone else debates potential traitors, they’re sitting in the background eating croissants and enjoying a free holiday in the Scottish Highlands.
via BBC
6. SOAS
SOAS would be the endearingly enthusiastic traitor who has clearly never been part of a secret scheme in their entire life, who does their best but sadly lacks the essential skill of being able to lie. They’d manage to avoid elimination for a while by being nice and making friends, but eventually it would be too obvious to ignore.
5. RHUL
Royal Holloway has the same energy as those outgoing faithfuls who quickly gain popularity but get far too wrapped up in the game, eventually forgetting that none of it is real- they seem to think that the traitors are actually malicious, vengeful people, so they just vote out anyone who they don’t get on with. They might also have a little cry at the roundtable after mistakenly voting out their ‘best friend’ (who they met less than two weeks ago).
4. UCL
UCL’s Traitors archetype would be the strategy consultant from the home counties who puts on a regional accent to seem more ‘trustworthy,’ and somehow gets away with it. They’d be pretty good at catching traitors and winning challenges, but they’d end up running a scathing smear campaign against King’s that would ultimately lead to their downfall.
via BBC
3. LSE
LSE would make a solid traitor, almost psychotic in their manipulation of their contestants- remember Paul? But they’d get too cocky and get voted out, probably by their fellow traitors, exiting with a vengeful hint at the identities of their partners-in-crime.
2. Goldsmith’s
Goldsmith’s would be that one faithful who somehow makes it to the final episode without being involved in anything. It’s not until there’s only a handful of contestants left that you realise you don’t even know their name, and you can’t remember a single thing they’ve said or done.
1. KCL
King’s has the perfect balance of brainpower and social skills to be a formidable traitor. After a few near misses from UCL’s smear campaign, they’d manage to achieve the sought-after label of ‘obvious faithful.’ No one would suspect them, even their fellow traitors would underestimate them, but they’d sneak through to the end and steal the winnings- the Harry to LSE’s Paul, the Charlotte to SOAS’s Linda.
Featured image via BBC/Unsplash
