DEAR DEIDRE: AM I really cheating on my husband if all I’m looking for is a little fun while he’s locked up in prison?
I’m a woman of 42 and I have four children, all in their teens.
I’ve been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 18. He’s 45 now, but he’s in jail after getting dragged into working with a gang, who shifted high-value stolen goods. He’s still got another year to serve.
My husband was the only man I’d ever been with, but now my head has been turned by the lad, who lives next door.
My neighbour is 24 and he used to babysit the kids when my husband and I had a night out.
He knows what’s been going on in my life and he’s been a great support, cutting my lawn for me and taking me to the supermarket because I don’t drive.
Three weeks ago, he knocked on my back door and walked in like he always does.
At the time, I was feeling low and lonely. He’s a young guy, who gives the best hugs and, while he was holding me, he pulled my chin up and kissed me.
It set the sparks flying — I’ve not been kissed like that for a long time.
It was so dangerous, but we ended up going through to the lounge. He kissed my neck and all the way down my body, making me feel alive. The sex was off the scale.
We’ve been seeing one another when the kids are at school and college. I know he’s much younger than me and it isn’t right.
But I miss sex so much. Is it technically cheating while my husband is away for a long time?
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DEIDRE SAYS: I think you know the answer to this question already, but are hopeful someone will give you a more convenient response.
Yes, it’s still cheating. It’s not your fault that your husband got involved in crime but, if you’re prepared to wait for him and keep your marriage intact, then you should remain faithful.
You may miss the sex, but your children have had enough to contend with without you muddying the waters by jumping into bed with their young babysitter.
You’re at very different life stages, so this relationship is unlikely to last.
Be the adult and tell him this was a mistake and it was never going to be anything serious while you’re married.
Contact Prisoners’ Families (prisonersfamilies.org, 0808 808 2003), who can offer emotional support while your husband is away.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
I’M TERRIFIED OF LOVING MY NEW MAN AFTER OP
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM scared to have sex with my new partner because my doctor says I might not physically be able to do it.
I’m a divorcee of 56 and I’ve had lots of “women’s problems” and had four operations.
My specialist asked whether I was in a relationship at my last check-up. When I said no, he said, “Good. You must be careful if you have intercourse because you could tear the scar.”
I met a new guy through a friend two months ago and he’s lovely.
He’s 49 and I know he’s longing to have sex. I’ve done sexual things for him but I’m so worried about what the specialist said that I can’t relax enough to let him touch me sexually.
I don’t know what to do but if I don’t do anything, he may leave me.
DEIDRE SAYS: You do need time to heal after any operation but if your new partner is careful and you both take things slowly, you can try to get into a sexual relationship little by little.
Go back to your doctor and ask how long you should wait before having sex again.
Ask if your scarring is healing well. It will help you feel less anxious if you explain to your new partner why you are worried.
There are other sorts of things he can do to enable you to feel aroused apart from penetrative sex.
My support pack Self-Help For Painful Sex will give you both some guidance on how to make things comfortable for you.
STEPSON KICKED ME OUT OF HOUSE
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN his mother was in hospital, my partner’s son threw me out of our home. Now I’m sleeping in my car.
My partner was having heart surgery and I visited her every day and was preparing for her to come home. We are both 72 and living on our state pensions.
I received a letter from a solicitor instructing me to leave our home and telling me my partner would be living with my stepson and his wife and kids when she comes out of hospital.
The letter came on the instruction from my stepson. He’s never liked me, but I wasn’t expecting that.
My stepson then called round and collected my partner’s clothes and advised me to leave. I can’t afford the rent on my own.
I don’t know what to do about getting the house back and I’m devastated I can’t see my partner.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m so sorry. You need some urgent advice about your housing rights at the very least.
Make an appointment then take any documents about the tenancy to your local Citizens Advice Bureau (citizensadvice.org.uk).
If you’re struggling financially, you can find support through Turn2us (turn2us.org.uk, 0808 802 2000) which helps those in need to access money available to them.
Once you know where you stand, you can try to contact your partner to see whether she has made this decision or whether it is all down to her son. Good luck.
WIFE ADMIRES MEN AT WORK
DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife rarely initiates sex because she’s too tired, but she has lots of energy to chat to her attractive male colleagues when she’s on a business trip.
We’ve been married for ten years. I work from home as an accountant with my own business. The work is pretty dull.
My wife works for a big corporation and she organises events for them across the world. She is the breadwinner and she loves her job.
She talks about her colleagues – both women and men, but mainly the men.
She mentions how tall or athletic they are, how attractive they are and how she could talk to them for hours when she’s away.
She never calls me or the kids when she’s travelling. Meanwhile, I stay at home minding the children and feeling like a doormat.
I’ve asked her whether she’s ever cheated on me and she says no, but when she comes home and I go to cuddle her, she pushes me away.
She takes me for granted and I’m fed up with it.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sure you are. If your job limits you to only talking to clients, it may feel a little humdrum while she’s off seeing the world.
Rather than letting this fester, find a quiet moment to tell her that you’re feeling neglected.
She’s unlikely to give up her job, and nor should she have to. It’s important to remember you don’t have any evidence of her cheating.
But ask that when she’s home, she commits to set time aside for you and the children.
When she’s with you, arrange some date nights. She may feel jet-lagged but if you pitch this right, she may be appreciative of being back home.
If she is unwilling to make an effort, talk about what is going on for her. My support pack Looking After Your Relationship will help you to see how you can reconnect.
