When your parent is terminally ill, everything you decide to do in your life is instantly affected. How long should you go away on holiday for? When should you move out of your family home? Do you take that ‘big girl’ job or wait a bit longer?
Whether you want it to or not, your brain needs to justify everything. It has to figure out how you can have a bit more authority over something you already have little control over.
I came to Exeter uni five years ago. My dad had had cancer for six straight years but was stable, so I’d decided that settling away from family and in a new city would be okay. Now, I’m a postgrad going into my final year at Exeter, and my dad is stage four.
The news that there was nothing else they could do for him came in May 2023, right as I was finishing my dissertation. Hospice became involved pretty quickly, and the road has been long and winding since.
There’s no guidebook on how to deal with a terminally ill loved one as a student, and even if there were, it wouldn’t apply to everyone. Grief is weird, especially the kind that comes before the loss and settles into every day life. But after everything I’ve learned navigating it, here are a few things that might help someone else in a similar situation.
Get an ILP
Even without a sick loved one, uni life can be overwhelming. You’ve gained lots of independence in a short amount of time, and when you’re also worrying about family, the small stuff can feel massive.
Independent Learning Plans are much more common than you think, and there’s no shame in having one. You can personalise your own with a Wellbeing advisor, and figure out what might help make uni life easier.
For me, it’s been a really useful way to inform staff about my situation without me having to explicitly talk about it. It explains absences, asks to warn me if sensitive topics might be brought up in class, and gives me unlimited extensions for assignments (use those extensions, people! They’re there for a reason!)
Call your family
This should go without saying, but I can remember a few times during undergrad when I got a text from my mum saying she hadn’t heard from me for a while. Obviously how often you keep in touch depends on your family, but after living with mine parents and sisters for so long, me moving out felt weird for all of us. We tried to text or call at least once a day, but especially during exam and assignment periods it was easy to forget.
If you don’t do it already, remember to keep in contact with those you love while you’re at uni. Whether it’s a facetime call or a just a ‘good night’ text, feeling connected to home while living in a completely different city kept me sane!
Don’t feel guilty for not always being there
My sister was a year below me at Exeter. When I asked her what would be in her top three list, this was first.
Like I said, when your parent is sick, your brain scrambles to rationalise every moment you spend without them. As sisters, we also found it difficult when one of us was home watching a movie with our dad while the other was out having drinks with uni friends in Exeter – it’s a guilty feeling that really digs deep.
But what we’ve determined about out situation is this: Waiting is the hardest part. We don’t know when we’re going to have to say goodbye, and under what circumstances. So, the best thing we can do is try to carry on life as normal. Hang out with friends, study hard, facetime home when we’re not able to physically be there – and above all, try not to let the bad drown the good. Learn to live alongside the illness, not beneath it.
I want to end this by reminding you to hold your loved ones a little closer this week. At some point in our lives we will all experience grief.
And if you’re struggling with it already: Be kind to yourself. We’ll be okay.
