OPENING my eyes, I saw the cuts and bruises on my body and the familiar feeling of dread set in – because yet again, I’d got so drunk at my local pub, I had absolutely no recollection of getting home.
It was September 2021 and, at 40, I should have known better.
Louise Muir-Sage, 44, hid her alcohol addiction behind a confident smile before getting sober and rebuilding her life[/caption]
I’d always used alcohol as an emotional crutch, but since my seven-year marriage had ended the previous month, I’d started going to the local pub every night to drink with the regulars so I never had to be alone.
I’d always say I was just having one glass of wine, but once I started drinking, I couldn’t stop.
I’d laugh off my drunken shenanigans, but really, I dreaded waking up and having to piece together the night before, often having to tend to my cuts and bruises from falling over and beg people to take down embarrassing photos of me on social media.
‘CHASE THE FEELING’
I spent £10,000 on drink in eight months, taking out pay-day loans, having escalated to two bottles of gin a night at home alone.
However, I still didn’t think I was an alcoholic – because I didn’t wake up craving a drink. How wrong I was.
I’ve always enjoyed alcohol. I remember my first sip of White Lightning cider in 1997 when I was 15.
After that, I moved on to wine, beer, then brandy. I’m naturally quiet and alcohol made me feel happy, carefree and confident.
I was forever chasing that feeling and drank more over the years as my tolerance built up.
My drinking caused me to drop out of college in 1999, as I was always too hungover to attend.
Then, when I began working full-time aged 18 as an accounts assistant, I drank at least three large glasses of wine every lunchtime in the pub with colleagues.
Nobody batted an eyelid and, as I was never drunk, it didn’t cross my mind that I had a problem.
Living at home, I was careful never to let my dad or stepmum see me intoxicated, and when I moved into a shared house, I hid how much I was drinking, doing it in secret before going out for the evening.
‘I ruined my best friend’s hen do because I was so paralytic’
Soon, my drinking was out of hand and having detrimental effects. In my early 20s, I got into an abusive relationship with a man who the memory of still terrifies me.
At 23, while on holiday, I screamed at my stepmum for no reason, in front of hundreds of people, which hurt her so much.
Aged 24, I was on a night out when my drink was spiked. Feeling out of it, two men offered to walk me home, then sexually assaulted me in an alleyway, knowing I was in no state to scream for help.
I reported the attack to police, who arrested the men, but due to a lack of evidence, no charges were brought. I drank to forget what had happened.
Alcohol was also making me gain weight and my skin had a grey pallor, but still nobody knew I was fighting demons.
For years, I drank if I was sad or angry, and I drank to celebrate when I was happy.
Being drunk led to so many embarrassing incidents that I’m now deeply ashamed of, especially the fact that I ruined my best friend’s hen do in 2006, when I had to be sent home in a taxi because I was paralytic.
In 2008, aged 27, I met a man through a mutual friend, who I ended up marrying.
He didn’t drink alcohol, except on holiday, so I hid a lot of my drinking from him. I always went to work smiling, and put on a front with friends, but deep down I was unhappy in my marriage and was prescribed antidepressants.
Alcohol was also making me gain weight and my skin had a grey pallor, but still nobody knew I was fighting demons.
While I realised I drank a lot, it never crossed my mind I was an alcoholic, despite my family history.
My nan had died an alcoholic and my biological mum, who’d walked out on me and my dad when I was just 18 months old, was also an alcoholic.
Growing up, I’d decided I didn’t want children, because my biggest fear was that if I had them, I would walk out and leave them like my mum did.
After my marriage ended, because we realised we’d be happier apart, my drinking reached its worst point.
I made sure I only saw my best friend during the daytime, so she never saw me drunk.
I only had to go to work once a week for my job as a weight-loss consultant, when I was probably still drunk, but I managed to put on a front, and then went to the pub afterwards.
In early 2022, I realised I’d spent £3,500 in in one month on alcohol, and I worked out I’d spent £50,000 on drink over the years, leading to £38,000 of debt.
That April, I was looking at an Instagram account of someone who’d been sober for more than 200 days.
It triggered something in me and I messaged the woman: “How did you know alcohol had become a problem?”
What to do if you think are an alcoholic
IF you’re struggling with alcohol addiction, the most important thing is to recognise the problem and seek support – You don’t have to face it alone.
Seek Professional Help
- GP or Doctor – A medical professional can assess your situation and provide advice on treatment options.
- Therapists or Counsellors – Talking to an addiction specialist can help address underlying causes and develop coping strategies.
- Rehab or Detox Programmes – If physical dependence is severe, medically supervised detox may be necessary.
Consider Support Groups
- Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) – A well-known 12-step programme that provides peer support.
- SMART Recovery – A science-based alternative to AA, focusing on self-empowerment.
- Local Support Groups – Many communities have groups tailored to different needs.
She replied asking: “Does having one drink always mean having two? Can you not stop at two drinks? And does your behaviour change around drink?”
When I replied yes to all the questions, she suggested I get help. I worked out I’d had 170 units of alcohol over three days, and went to an alcohol support group the next day.
It was full of normal-looking people, but some had lost houses, jobs and relationships, and it hit me hard that this would be me if I didn’t stop drinking.
I admitted to myself for the first time that I was an alcoholic, and broke down in tears.
After 22 years of letting alcohol control my life, I went sober. To do so, I had to avoid everything, shutting myself away in my house and stopping going to the pub and socialising.
I very quickly learned that the people I had thought were my friends in the pub weren’t, because not a single one of them knocked on my door.
If you ever think alcohol might be a problem for you, it probably is. I urge you to go to an AA meeting, because you’ll either leave thinking: ‘I’ve got a problem’, or know that you’re OK.
I moved to a quieter area for a fresh start, away from the pub.
I am now three-and-a-half years sober, and I’m finally happy with who I am.
Of course, it hasn’t been easy. There have been difficult times when I’m tempted to drink, but instead, I text my AA sponsor and the craving soon dies down.
But I know that if I were to go out today and drink, I’d be right back to square one.
I’m now engaged to a lovely man called Travis. When we met, I told him everything and he’s been so supportive.
I’ve also started a business, Something Kind Of Woo, an independent crystal shop, which I’m so proud of, and I’ve managed to pay off all my debt.
When I told my family, they had no idea I’d been an alcoholic for so long.
If you ever think alcohol might be a problem for you, it probably is. I urge you to go to an AA meeting, because you’ll either leave thinking: “I’ve got a problem”, or know that you’re OK.
I don’t regret my alcoholism, because if I hadn’t gone through what I did, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
I’m just glad my message to a stranger forced me to admit I had a problem. And for that, I’ll always be grateful.
- Visit Somethingkindofwoo.co.uk. Find support at Alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk.
