Freshers, you may think you threw wild parties in Hiatt Baker: Four people, two bottles of Echo Falls and a speaker that sounded like it was playing from inside a sock. But second year is where the real chaos begins.
You’ve now got a whole house with a garden, neighbours and a landlord you’ll never meet because they live in Dubai (or worse, Bishopston). Your living room has mysteriously become a dancefloor, and your kitchen is one shift away from becoming the second room at Lakota.
As many of us know, the clause in our contracts stating tenants will respect any noise pollution laws is clearly going to end up being ignored. Once you’ve moved into your overpriced, questionably furnished student house, it becomes sacred ground for hosting a party you won’t remember, but your neighbours will.
1. Bribe your neighbours
You may think you can just wing it with noise complaints, but after two warnings, the council gets involved, and let’s just say your tenancy agreement has a whole paragraph about “antisocial behaviour” for a reason. Maybe that Halloween prisoner costume might end up being more of a prophecy than a bit.
So, get ahead of the drama: Bake a cake, knock on their door, lie and say it’s your birthday, even if it’s not, even offer to babysit their cat. Form a vague emotional bond so when the bass starts shaking their wine glasses, they text you instead of dialling 101.
Worst case? Invite them to the party. Nothing brings people together like sambuca and poor decisions.
2. Pick a theme that slays and won’t get you cancelled
There’s something about a house party theme that makes people lose all sense of shame. Maybe it’s the group pressure. Either way, the moment a theme is announced, everyone suddenly becomes willing to spend £12 on a cowboy hat from Amazon and paint themselves orange.
Themes are the glue of a successful party. They give people a reason to dress up, bond, and post grainy flash photos the next day with people they’ll probably never meet again. Avoid anything controversial or anything requiring full-body paint, unless you want blue faces smudged on your white walls forever. The key is finding that sweet spot between “funny enough to commit to” and “not so elaborate that people stay home because they couldn’t find a toga.”
But if your guests feel ridiculous riding the U1 in costume, then you’ve nailed it.
3. Decor that screams ‘you tried’
Decor doesn’t have to be deep. Chuck up some fairy lights, steal a traffic cone for ambience, and if you really want to go full Cotham chic, hang a mirror in the garden for no reason. Bonus points if there’s a mattress out there. No one knows why, it just belongs.
But remember, it’s 50% lighting, 50% delusion. You’re not Lakota, but you can pretend.
4. Do not buy everyone drinks
BYOB or BYORegret. You’re not Tesco Express. Make it very clear everyone needs to bring their own drinks. That said, one chaotic communal punch bowl never hurt (until it did). Just don’t ask what’s in it, if it’s green and glows, you’ve done something right.
5. Prepare for the morning after like you’re going to war
Before the first drink is poured, hide your valuables, lock your bedroom, and put a note on every cupboard that says “Not the toilet” (even though someone will still wee in it). You’ve done what you can.
The next morning, your house will smell like regret, Donervan chips, and spilt tequila. You’ll find a shoe in the fridge and someone asleep in the bath. But if people had fun, if the neighbours aren’t fuming, and if someone cried in the garden, you did it. Deposit? Never heard of her.
6. No one wants to hear your SoundCloud set
Unless you actually are a decent DJ (and not just someone who watched one Boiler Room video), don’t force your decks on people. Make a collaborative playlist, ban any version of Mr. Brightside after 1am, and if someone starts playing DnB at 10.30pm, unplug them. There is a time. It is not yet.
7. Curate your smoking area like it’s an art exhibition
The garden is the soul of the party. People will chain-smoke, trauma dump, fall in love, and break up, all within a two-metre radius of your food waste bin. Throw out some blankets, scatter a few chairs, and let the over-sharing begin.
