Halloween is fast approaching, Glasgow students. You’ve probably noticed that your whole Insta feed is suddenly filled with clubs selling tickets for the big night, all offering early entry to avoid queues longer than that reading list you’ve been avoiding.
So don’t worry, I’m here to guide you on exactly where you should go, specifically based on those toxic traits you’ve been hiding (that will inevitably come out in full force this Halloween).
The one who takes it too far – Bamboo/Kokomo
There’s always one person who insists on staying in the club till lights up and is immediately searching for an afters as soon as they step foot outside. With Bamboo and Kokomo’s block party going on until 5am, you’ll be in your element till sunrise. Plus, with so many different rooms, you can go wild and make a bad decision in each one.
Nothing quite like eating your cheesy chips on the pavement as the morning runners pass by.
The procrastinator – Garage
Kept promising yourself that you’d buy those club tickets for weeks and now suddenly everywhere is sold out? Fear not, Garage’s three levels and five rooms never seem to run out of space for more people. Three different Halloween events are running throughout the week, so your weekend is saved when you probably turn up fashionably late to each one.
Chaos will follow you: Your bag disappears, your drink gets stolen, and you spend half the night apologising for things you didn’t even do. Yet somehow, between the chaos, the smoke-filled rooms, and the endless beats, you’re perfectly in your element. You procrastinated…wildly. And it actually worked.
Chronically online – Polo Lounge
You’ve committed to a niche costume that only makes sense if you’ve seen that one TikTok, and you’ll take personal offence when no one gets it (yet somehow everyone in Polo gets it).
You’ll lose your friends approximately four times, adopt three new ones in the smoking area, and end up emotionally attached to someone you met 10 minutes ago. Polo is messy, loud, and iconic — just like your Twitter “hot takes”.
Mr/Mrs ‘I’m different’ – Sub Club
You’ll say things like “I don’t do Halloween” while wearing all black and pretending it’s a vibe, not laziness. You’ll sneer at everyone’s costumes while sipping something hardcore like absinthe, and tell people you “just came for the music.”
Sub Club is the perfect spot for people who think their taste in techno makes them spiritually superior. Bonus points if you correct someone for calling it “EDM.”
Main character syndrome – Manuka
Manuka is where your main character energy goes to thrive – and die – under pink neon lights.
You swear you’re not like other clubbers; you’re different. Your costume probably isn’t even a costume — it’s just your regular night-out fit with cat ears or bows because “who cares as long as I look” good.
You’ll wear heels that make you question every life decision, spend 80 per cent of the night in the toilets taking flash photos, and 20 per cent arguing with security about queue-jumping because “my mate’s literally inside!” But don’t worry, it’s all part of your charm.
The overdraft abuser – Firewater
With the state of your bank account, Halloween should really be given a miss, but between your shouts of “You only live once” and “£1.50 singles, £3 doubles,” there’s really no convincing you otherwise.
You’ve convinced yourself a cheap night out won’t do you any harm while you’re wearing your seven-year-old costume, because even Shein was looking a bit too expensive for you. It might be Halloween but the only thing screaming is your bank account after the fifth round you’ve offered to buy.
The permanent first year – Hive
You treat Hive like it’s your personal playground and last week’s pres like a religious ceremony.
Your costume is probably just your sports kit with a splash of fake blood or glitter because “it still counts as Halloween.” You’ll start chants no one asked for, aggressively high-five strangers, and somehow rope in random first years for an initiation challenge even though we’re in week seven.
You’ll down VKs like they’re energy drinks, lose your bag and your dignity (at least once), and wake up the next morning with blurry photos proving you peaked at the wrong moment (again).
Hive is sticky, chaotic, and gloriously unhinged, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.
The drama magnet – Club O
You don’t go looking for drama — it finds you.
Òran Mór makes it impossible not to run into someone you know…and probably have unresolved business with. You’ll say hi to a mate, only to catch your ex making a dramatic entrance, and notice your least favourite flatmate wandering through the crowd like they own the place.
Drinks get spilt on you, costumes fall apart mid-dance, and suddenly you’re dragged into three overlapping arguments at once. Chaos happens to you, around you, and because of you, yet somehow you survive (barely).
