Picture the scene: Claudia Winkleman descends on Durham, dramatic fringe and all, ready to expose who among us would stab their fellow colleges in the back for £120k and eternal clout. To be fair – we already have the gowns. In honour of the return of The Traitors, back with their first ever celebrity edition, here’s exactly how your college would behave if it were a contestant on the hottest show on television right now.
Castle
Castle would be a Faithful – and they wouldn’t get recruited later either. The Traitors would deem them too conspicuous to bring on board, as they’d catch a lot of suspicion throughout the game. They’d be the type to draw attention to themselves and accidentally make themselves out to be Traitors to the other players. Ultimately, they’d have a similar fate to Hatfield…
Collingwood
Collingwood could easily play the Traitor role quite well. However, they wouldn’t be part of Claudia’s initial selection. Therefore, they’d be roped in later and would excel in the role. They’re the type to want to be a Traitor all along – but not to make it as bait as Hatfield or Castle. Collingwood would play the level-headed, cool one (making a great team with Jobo) and would gain the trust of others by contributing wholeheartedly to the mini-challenges and demonstrating faux team spirit.
Grey
Grey would be a Traitor from the start, despite asking to be a Faithful. However, they’d actually be exceptionally good at it and would effectively play the role of the slightly worried but also analytical and clear-eyed Faithful. Grey would make it really far in the game – and would ultimately have everything it’d take to win as a Traitor.
Hatfield
You may expect me to say that Hatfield would be Traitors as a result of their generally evil aura but no. That’s just too obvious. They would, however, expect to be a Traitor, but would sulk when not being recruited by Claudia. Indeed, Hatfield would not make it very far in the game because despite their legitimate innocence (much to their chagrin), they would still emanate a treacherous aura, leading to them being voted out by the masses.
John Snow
John Snow would be a Faithful throughout the entire game, but would be extremely conspiratorial – trying to actively involve themself in the drama even though they’re not a Traitor and nobody wants to nominate them. Hild Bede and John Snow would clash in the castle, as they would suspect them relentlessly and try to prove it to the rest of the group. Unfortunately, it’d fall on deaf ears.
Josephine Butler
Josephine Butler would be one of the initial Traitors. Jobo strikes me as a collected, unpretentious, and chill college, which lends itself to great Traitor gameplay. They’d know exactly when to step back and when to get involved – and would confidently assure the Faithfuls of their faux innocence. They’d also be willing to make evil moves, despite their generally chill nature. A lethal player – who would likely end up part of the winning team.
South
South would be a Faithful the entire time. As a result of the sheer vibelessness of South, people would permanently debate their innocence at the round table. Ultimately, they’d scrape by for about 75 per cent of the game on sheer confusion. They wouldn’t make any drama themselves, but they’d be the constant topic of debate amongst other players. They’d also probably cry about the constant accusations eventually.
St. Aidan’s
Aidan’s would make it far as a Faithful. They wouldn’t be recruited later on as the Traitors would consider them a major liability due to their honesty and inability to be “mean” and make calculated moves (i.e. play the game properly). However, they’d stay in the game due to their trustworthy nature.
St. Chad’s
Chad’s would be a Faithful. But, they wouldn’t be as good at it as they imagined. They’d think they were convincing everyone of their Faithfulness but they’d actually probably oversell it to a point where everyone became suspicious. They’d be unanimously voted out, much to their complete surprise.
Stephenson
Stephenson would make a strong alliance with Jobo who, unbeknownst to them, would be traitors. Ultimately, they would be recruited and the two colleges would make a fabulous team, befriending (and deceiving) the other players. They may very well win as a pair and split the money.
Trevelyan
Trevs would be Traitors but would be voted out immediately for being too obvious with it. That massive hexagonal architecture just doesn’t say “subtlety” to me, despite the logic that made them Traitors initially – that they’re a small and less popular college
St. Cuthbert’s
Cuth’s could go either way, to be honest. It might be the college’s inherent duality that lends itself to this interpretation. Indeed, Cuth’s would likely start as a Faithful but be recruited for their unexpectedly cruel and unflinching edge. They’d definitely do well as a Traitor.
St. Hild and St. Bede
Hild Bede would be one of the initial Traitors. They’d be cool, collected, and largely overlooked. But somebody else would be weirdly suspicious of them and not let it go. I’m thinking John Snow – they’d definitely play detective in a bid to be relevant. Ultimately, they’d win the trust of the majority and evade capture throughout the game, making sly moves constantly to maintain their facade.
St. John’s
John’s would dramatically beg Claudia to be a Faithful, claiming they couldn’t handle being a Traitor as it’s “too much pressure.” However, even though they wouldn’t be designated one of the initial Traitors group, they’d later be recruited because of their “trustworthy” and “angelic” reputation. Ultimately, however, they would prove a very poor Traitor and would be voted out for their sudden, new habit of crashing out.
St. Mary’s
Mary’s would be Faithful, but would be really good at sussing people out. Unlike Snow who would try and play detective to gain relevancy, Mary’s would be lowkey but still quite discerning, ultimately finding out who, among them, was treacherous.
Ustinov
Ustinov would be a Traitor from the outset but, despite their seemingly mature, experienced, and quick vibes, they’d be quite unconvincing as they’d oversell being the “Faithful mum” of the group. Ultimately, Ustinov would not be very good in their role. Soz.
Van Mildert
Mildert would be the first person recruited after the initial group of Traitors was revealed. They would win the trust of everyone, fly under the radar, and would become fan favourites for their relatability and sharp wit. They would also come up with a lot of the best schemes and would ensure the Traitors team made tactical, smart decisions. They’d get extremely far – and perhaps even outwit or undermine the Jobo-Stevo alliance.
Featured image via Canva.
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