Nothing in this world can truly prepare you for the horror that is your first year accommodation kitchen. The mountain of dishes, mouldy pint glasses stolen from town, and a mysterious pile of unclaimed items on the sofa. It’ll send shivers down your spine.
Now, silly freshers, please don’t be put off. That first taste of freedom you experience when you step foot into your tiny first year bedroom is enough to make it all worth it. However, as an ancient almost third year, I feel obliged to make you all aware of what you may experience in your accom kitchens, and more importantly, who.
The clueless one
Starting off strong with arguably one of the worst people you can have the misfortune of living with in your first year accom, we have the clueless one. At first they seem nice. You feel almost maternal towards them the first time they ask you how to put water in the kettle. But please don’t be fooled, this person has never cooked a meal in their life and honestly at this rate they never successfully will. Be prepared for a year of watching someone eat controversially cooked chicken, cereal for dinner, and a pizza that melted through the grill and onto the bottom of the oven – which they will never clean.
This person may seem harmless at first, but just wait until they try to microwave their baked beans in the tin because they “didn’t know it would explode”. Yikes.
The one who has a cleaner at home
This next person is probably from a gated community in Surrey where they assume the dishwasher fills and empties itself. You can 100 per cent expect this person to gasp and faint when they find out that your accom doesn’t provide a cleaner because the thought of this is just preposterous to them.
They will leave their dishes to mould until you can’t even tell what was in it in the first place. There is also no doubt that they will start using your dishes too, expecting the cleaning fairy to take care of everything. This person will undoubtedly have a severe crashout when they are hungover and have no utensils to eat their salmon-en-croute and will absolutely use your clean dishes for it instead. Just be ready for the mountain of dishes to pile up the second this person enters the building, and prepare to never see your countertop again.
The one who thinks they are Gordon Ramsay
If you are lucky enough to get this person in your flat, count your blessings. They may spend five hours cooking a full roast dinner from scratch, taking up all of the countertop space, but if luck is on your side, they might take pity on you and give you some leftovers. This person seems to know how to cook everything without a recipe and while you’re struggling to find the time to scoff a pot noodle, their three course buffet will have your hungover fresher mouth watering. The only negative to having this person in your flat is that you can guarantee your fridge space will be compromised and you’ll end up squeezing your food into the side compartment of the fridge beside the milk.
The alcoholic
The next person that you are guaranteed to end up in a flat with is someone who you will never see eating a full meal, at least not at the normal time. This person is most likely a rugby lad and will give you an unforgettable freshers experience, well, it would have been unforgettable if you hadn’t had ten razz bombs the night before. They will live off of alcohol while their cupboard in the kitchen collects dust and cobwebs, leaving you to wonder how they can even be alive at this point.
You are also at a high risk of walking into your kitchen on a Sunday night with your heatless curlers in, and being ambushed by an entire rugby team of boys painted blue. But, don’t worry, if you happen to nip to the kitchen at 4am, you’ll find them elbow deep in a cheesy chip, mumbling to you that afters got cancelled.
The one who acts like your mum
The next flatmate that you will probably end up with will have you standing outside their door, cursing them out under your breath while you secretly give them the finger, feeling like an angsty 14 year old again. You might think you are freed from the shackles of your parents rules when you move into your accom, but this flatmate will make sure that this is not the case.
This particular flatmate will make you question if they are secretly a 50 year old Karen trapped in the body of a fresher if you dare to leave a bowl in the sink. If you are truly living the uni experience you will most likely receive an angry handwritten note expressing their frustrations with your “lifestyle” and threatening to move out of the flat if you don’t wash those two plates. This person obviously did not do their research on uni accoms or you can bet they would have gone for a studio to avoid you and your messy mates.
Although this group may sound like your nightmare blunt rotation, you will undoubtedly end up having some of your best fresher nights out with them. Just be aware that your behaviour in your accom kitchen can make or break a friendship, and most of these people will probably become nothing more than a funny story to tell your second year flatmates. Freshers, don’t be scared, it’s all part of the beloved university experience x
