CELEBRITY Traitors went hard last night with Alan Carr bumping off “best friend” Paloma Faith in broad daylight.
He placed slow-acting “poison” on her face before the unwitting singer had to carry a coffin to her own funeral.
Paloma Faith, pictured alongside host Claudia Winkleman, had to carry a coffin to her own ‘funeral’[/caption]
There, the group had to guess from clues who had been murdered.
They finally identified Paloma, who had to climb into the casket to be lowered into a grave.
It echoed the fate of Diane Carson in last year’s civilian series — murdered by poisoned rose wine.
EPISODE VERDICT
By Rod McPhee
SHOULD Alan Carr ever join MI5 — and our nation faces a threat that can be neutralised only by his stealth and guile — then we’re all doomed.
After all, as a Traitor his sole task on the latest episode of The Celebrity Traitors was to touch someone’s face without drawing any attention to the fact.
Five minutes later he was foghorning about it in the bar with co-conspirator Cat Burns, sweating buckets while necking rose wine.
Then after completing his mission he pops out to the fireside packed with Faithfuls and mouths to third traitor Jonathan Ross: “All done.”
He might as well have illuminated the words in a 20ft-high neon sign and set off fireworks as he erected it on the roof of Ardross Castle.
“I might have to talk to him,” Rossy remarked afterwards, “about keeping it on the lowdown.”
Yet, NOBODY seemed to notice.
How? Perhaps they did and just thought: “Well, he couldn’t possibly be a Traitor who’s just killed one of us . . . could he?”
He’s either incredibly daft or this is some sort of genius double, triple, or quadruple bluff designed to bamboozle anyone who might suspect him of anything.
Perhaps Agent Alan isn’t quite the Carr crash we think he is.
I doubt he’ll get a hero-gram from Paloma Faith, however — the long-time pal he selected to be bumped off by touching her face.
“I feel awful,” he said, eyeing up the £100,000 jackpot. “It broke my heart!”
Paloma is the first victim on Celebrity Traitors[/caption]
Imagine how bad he felt when he witnessed poor old Paloma not only attending her own funeral but carrying her coffin to the burial.
The producers of the show, which is basically a slow mass murder, seem to have taken their obsession with death to a whole new level.
However macabre, you have to admit, it’s also delicious, sadistic viewing.
Crucially, it’s also a brilliant antidote to show where the stars get hours of airtime to subject us to their fauxmances and life stories.
On The Celebrity Traitors they’re too busy killing each other.
