DEAR DEIDRE: I’M convinced my husband is cheating after having his head turned by compliments about his “cool camper”.
His VW conversion is his pride and joy and it’s not unusual that people come up when we are out and about to talk about the van.
We’ve been married for 17 years. We’re both 45.
A few months ago my phone ran out of charge. I borrowed my husband’s phone to make a call, and found messages between him and a woman who lives a couple of streets away.
I recognised her name because she often stops to talk when my husband is cleaning the van on the front drive.
In these messages she said he was the “hottest camper driver” she’d ever met, and she looked forward to bumping into him because he was so handsome.
His replies were equally flirty, telling her she was really sexy.
I had it out with him but he put it all down to harmless banter. I insisted he stop messaging, which he promised he would. A few weeks later, I got home late, and looked through his phone while he slept.
I found fresh messages between them and they had moved onto discussing exactly how they’d like to thrill each other and I’m certain they’ve been sleeping in the double bed in our van.
They even exchanged explicit photos and said they “needed to meet up again”.
After confronting him, I admitted I couldn’t ever trust him again and he suggested we live together as friends.
He doesn’t want to move out. I’m in such a mess and don’t know where to go from here.
Is he trying to hold on to our relationship simply because he doesn’t want to lose our home?
I am one unhappy camper. What can I do?
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DEIDRE SAYS: Your husband has repeatedly betrayed your trust and lied to you. He continued this liaison even after you first discovered it.
He has been unable to control himself, or be honest with you. If he felt there were issues in your relationship, he should have addressed them. Continuing with this affair demonstrates a complete lack of regard for you and your relationship.
It might be convenient for him to live together as friends, but convenience breeds contempt. Now is the time to think very hard about what will work for you.
Splitting up will impact other members of your family but don’t go along with what he wants. To work out a way forward it would be helpful to talk this through with a counsellor.
I’m sending you my support packs, How Counselling Can Help and Cheating – Can You Get Over It?
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WIFE LETS SISTER BE VILE TO ME
DEAR DEIDRE: MY sister-in-law is so rude to me, but my wife just lets it go. Am I wrong to expect a wife to stand up for her husband?
We’ve been married for three years. I’m 34, my wife is 36. Her sister is 30.
The first time I met her sister was at our wedding. She seemed nice enough. But as the champagne flowed, she shot me nasty looks across the dancefloor.
I thought I was imagining it.
We all met up again for drinks, and the sister insulted me whenever my wife was out of earshot.
She slated my job and even made fun of my clothes.
When I asked what she was playing at, she called me disgusting names.
I told my wife, who simply said her sister could be “difficult”.
We moved house and had a party. I didn’t want the sister to be invited but my wife said I was overreacting.
Lo and behold, her sister insulted me again. I told her not to talk to me that way, which she seemed to find hilarious.
Instead of stepping in, my wife just shrugged it off.
We didn’t see the sister for ages after that, and it was lovely.
But my wife and I had a row recently and she went round to stay at her sister’s house.
She came back even angrier at me than she had been when she left, and since then they’re on the phone every day.
I feel my wife has taken her sister’s side over mine. There’s no loyalty. I’m feeling really hurt by her attitude and I’m even wondering if we should get a divorce.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is interesting that you didn’t meet her sister until your wedding.
Perhaps she has behaved in a similar way with your wife’s previous boyfriends?
I wonder if the sister is jealous of your wife and her relationships.
It might not be a coincidence that every incident has involved alcohol – could she have a drinking problem, or lose control after a few glasses?
Whatever the reason, it certainly sounds as if she thrives on creating conflict. You need to pick a moment to talk to your wife and explain how you feel, and that you are ready for divorce over this.
Ask her to set up a coffee and chat between the three of you to get the bottom of the issues.
That could help you to sort this out in a sensible – and sober – way.
HOW CAN I DISCUSS DOMESTIC ABUSE?
DEAR DEIDRE: HOW do I talk to my 12-year-old son about the domestic violence he witnessed growing up?
I was married to his dad for five years. The physical abuse started when I was pregnant with my son and continued until I left three years later. Thankfully, he never touched my son.
I tried to hide the violence, but there were times when my son walked in on us and begged his dad to stop.
Now my son is old enough to understand, I want to talk to him – but don’t know how.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is now recognised that children who witness abuse between adults are themselves also victims of abuse.
Seeing a counsellor together might help you and your son.
It’s an excellent idea to talk to your son about everything you both went through. For guidance on having these conversations, the NSPCC (NSPCC.org.uk) offers support and advice.
There’s also useful information on the Woman’s Aid website: womensaid.org.uk.
FAMILY FORUM
DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE I opened up about my early sexual abuse, I’ve been cut out of my family.
My parents split up when I was five. My mum soon met and married a new man. He had a son of his own, aged nine, who’d stay with us during the summer holidays.
From his first visit, my stepbrother tried to have sex with me.
I didn’t realise what was happening at first, and assumed it was how boys acted with their friends.
This continued until my mum and stepdad divorced when I was 17.
I went on to have a son of my own. That was when I realised how inappropriate my stepbrother had been, and I finally told Mum.
I expected support and understanding. Instead, I got shame. She told me never to tell anyone else as it would make things awkward and embarrassing for her.
From that point on, Mum began to cut me out of the family. I stopped being invited to get-togethers, and I wasn’t even allowed to attend my grandfather’s funeral.
I thought opening up to Mum would bring me some closure on the early sexual abuse, but instead I’ve lost everything.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sorry this has happened to you.
Children can develop sexual feelings very young, but it’d be unusual for a boy aged just nine to know about sex unless he had witnessed something at an early age.
He might have seen pornography or caught his father having sex. He might even have been sexually abused himself.
He wouldn’t necessarily know that his actions were wrong at first, but as you both grew older, he would have realised. Instead of stopping, he took advantage of you regularly. This really was abuse.
I am sending you my support pack called Abused as a Child. It has details of places you can get help. Reach out for that support: it will be therapeutic for you.
For help navigating your difficult relationship with your mum, contact Family Lives (familylives.org.uk, 0808 800 2222).
Its live chat will provide a safe space for you to explore your feelings and work out your next steps.
CAN'T KEEP IT UP
DEAR DEIDRE: I CAN’T get, or keep, an erection when I’m trying to have sex with my girlfriend. However, when we are simply touching each other, it’s fine. Help.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for four months. We’re both in our early 40s.
I think she’s gorgeous. I’d love us to have sex. But when we try, my bits don’t behave. I just can’t get hard.
It’s frustrating for both of us.
Is there anything I can do? She’s being sweet about it but her patience will eventually wear out.
DEIDRE SAYS: Erection struggles are often worsened by anxiety – as you’ve discovered.
When you feel that you can’t trust your body to perform every time, you can begin to overthink things during the foreplay stage, and that can affect your arousal.
I’m sending you my support pack on Erection Problems. Follow the advice in there.
Also, take sex off the table for a few weeks. Get back to enjoying each other with no pressure to have sex, and you might start to respond naturally.