Breakups are hard. Nay, breakups are the worst. Doesn’t matter if you’re the dumper or the dumpee (sp?), it feels like you’re losing something massive. And it doesn’t help that in the first few days or weeks, everything you look at is a harsh reminder of them (especially when you live in Durham). I couldn’t even scroll the socials at first because the TikTok algorithm could sense my breakup. It felt like the only thing there was to do was get exhaustingly busy or just crash in bed and wait until the urge to cry got lesser.
Although I love to dwell on my own experience, I’ve learned through observing my friends’ breakups that no one split is the same. Maybe they cheated, or moved away, or maybe they just fell out of love, or maybe worst of all they left you hanging in a hinge chat. But there’s some common emotions that everyone feels in the ending stage: sadness of course, anger in some cases, relief maybe – but the most universal is the sense of confusion. What are you supposed to do with yourself?
Me and my ex split amicably, and now after some reflection, I feel very much okay again. In fact, being back at Durham now, I feel good. And now, I think I’m at a stage where I can offer some tips for what helped me.
Be aware of time
Of course, unavoidably you’re going to feel things after a breakup. Everyone responds differently, but no matter what you’re feeling (or not feeling) it will fade with time. Sure, maybe walking past Spags or the arcade or their street might make you upset now. But, in a few weeks, you’ll just think of them briefly and that’ll be that. No matter how in love you were, or how scorned you feel, it’s temporary. You just have to wait it out.
As said best by Phoebe Waller-Bridge in Fleabag (a show I consumed excessively): “It’ll pass”.
Via YouTube
Distract yourself, but still let yourself react
When me and my ex broke up, the first few days I was stuck at home, and I didn’t really have much to do – which was basically torture. It’s important to use the time after a breakup to reflect on what happened and how you’re feeling but also don’t sit around and think about it all day. Get a job, find a new hobby, actually do your degree – just find something that keeps you occupied and makes you feel good. Because laying in bed all day will be a detriment to your degree, and your housemates will eventually wonder where you went.
Connect with your friends
Romantic relationships are great, sure. But they don’t compare to the platonic relationships you have with your best friends. A good friend will let you vent all your emotions and then they’ll take you out to Thursday night Fab’s – the true path to healing.
The end of a relationship can make you feel alone sometimes, but it’s important to recognise that’s just you being silly. You’re definitely not alone, and you definitely have a lot of people in Durham who will help you feel better. Don’t use this as an excuse to make them your personal therapist, but let them be there for you.
Don’t text them (at least in the short-term)
This one is the most obvious one. Don’t feel too bad about yourself if you text them a bit at the start (you’re only human). Just know you broke up for a reason, and it isn’t helping you or them if you don’t let them go. You might be able to be friends again in a few months or so down the line, but for now, just focus on yourself. Everyone thinks they’re the exception though when it comes to staying friends afterwards. Don’t fall into the trap. You’ve got to use this time to reacquaint yourself with what life is without your significant other in it anymore, and maintaining contact in the beginning is not going to make this easier. If you stay in touch, it’s pretty likely you won’t get over them and the problems that made you breakup in the first place won’t have gone away.
This is made harder at Durham, because it’s such a small place and it’s much more likely you’ll run into them. There’s not much remedy for this problem really, just don’t let it keep you from touching grass. I’ll pray for you though.
Via YouTube
Enjoy being single again (it can be quite fun)
Being single gets a criminally bad rep. But there are so many good things about being single that people don’t talk about. You don’t have to focus on anyone else but yourself and what you want, and that is a blessing. So, use this time, and have fun. We’re only young once. Meet new people, travel, try new things, prioritise yourself. When you’re old and settled and boring, you’ll look back on this time you have now, so make the most of it.
Also try your best not to immediately rebound. Nobody wants to be used as a way to get over someone else. Heal yourself, don’t bring your old issues into a new relationship.
Via YouTube
Take note about what you’ve learned and what you want in the future
If you’ve had a breakup, you’ve identified something in that relationship that you didn’t work for you. That’s a learning experience so don’t waste it (we are in higher education after all). So, take what you learned and bring it with you into your next relationship, so you don’t repeat the same mistakes. If you don’t like girls who go out a lot – don’t date them. If you don’t like Hatfield men who wear signet rings and holiday in Val d’isere – don’t date Durham men (just kidding).
The main takeaway is that time heals all. We’ve all been there.
Featured image via Youtube
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