Bryan Johnson has somehow out-stranged himself with an 850-word story about sleeping with his girlfriend. It’s like 50 Shades of Grey, if it were written by a deranged neurosurgeon.
If you haven’t heard of Bryan Johnson, count yourself lucky. Though he earned his $300 million net worth as a businessman and venture capitalist, Bryan’s most recent work has all centred around biohacking. Simply put, it’s about hacking your own biology with a DIY-like do-it-yourself attitude. His end goal? Immortality, of course.
To really understand the lengths Bryan has gone to in the hopes of living forever, here are just a few of his mad science experiments:
- He measures his nighttime erections and then measures them against his teenage son’s
- “Multi-generational plasma exchange” with himself, his son, and his father
- 111 different pills a day
- He’s made clones of his organs to test on
Bryan Johnson penned a bizarre story about his girlfriend
It’s been 19 days and 20 hrs since I last felt Kate’s warm embrace. She landed 47 minutes ago. The 24 hours of travel no doubt has her rushing to shower. She needs to cleanse herself of a dirtied world incompatible with her sensibilities. The wash doubles as a ritual, preparatory… pic.twitter.com/Ozd0uz0Cx2
— Bryan Johnson (@bryan_johnson) December 30, 2025
In a post that has since been viewed nearly 18 million times, Bryan Johnson gushed about his mysterious girlfriend alongside a picture of them hugging. In the 850-word caption, he detailed an intimate moment as if it were a science experiment.
He wrote: “It’s been 19 days and 20 hrs since I last felt Kate’s warm embrace. She landed 47 minutes ago. The 24 hours of travel no doubt has her rushing to shower. She needs to cleanse herself of a dirtied world incompatible with her sensibilities. The wash doubles as a ritual, preparatory for entrance into the symbolic world we’ve constructed.
“The time apart has been costly. My body’s electrical signalling betrays the separation. Without her touch, my vagus nerve’s 100,000 myelinated fibers have dropped their high frequency spectral power, squawking distress. An intelligent system broadcasting diminished wave forms, hoping to be heard. There are other signals of distress.
“My white blood cells have shifted their gene expression, upregulating pro-inflammatory genes IL-6 and TNF-alpha and downregulating my antiviral genes. A pro-aging biochemical signature of a system suffering hardship.”
He continued to explain his “pristine anti-aging laboratory”, which is insufferable millionaire speak for home.
Bryan continued: “She’s now only 13 miles away and I can viscerally feel her essence. The transmission pulses in high fidelity. As if there were a fiber optic cable streaming our connection at light speed through the multiplexed cylinders of glass. The time apart created latency, buffering the connection, depriving us of the luminescence and dimming into noise.
This the type of eater u end up blocking on all platforms even tho yall peed on each other a couple times https://t.co/FEDFx8Ls2y
— ARCHANGEL (@archangelcdj) December 30, 2025
“In 15 minutes she will be within reach. I can visualise the whites of her eyes and smell her aroma. When she arrives, she will be shy. Whenever we are apart, she returns to zero. Her previous openness will be closed. Her emotional dynamic range will be held in reserve until she feels she is safe and can trust. I’ll need to kindle her again. The rush of the courtship enthralls me.
“The anticipation drives a small cluster of my midbrain neurons to flood dopamine. Nerve fibers activate, lighting up my skin’s receptors as it awaits for slow, caressing touch. My hypothalamus begins synthesising oxytocin, preparing to dump it upon first eye contact to ensure the reestablishment of our pair bond. This biochemical orchestra fills me with delight and sensorial want.”
It only got stranger from there
Next, instead of just saying that his girlfriend Kate chose an outfit, he spoke to how her outfit “seduces and bypasses my mind to speak directly to my physiology. She has other tricks, too.”
“I feel her finger tips on the back of my neck. Goose bumps light up my body. Skin nerve cells fire signals directly to my brain, bypassing the analytical mind. The hypothalamus dumps the oxytocin, inhibiting fear and lowering cortisol,” he added. “The body washes itself in this anti-inflammatory chain reaction. Our respiration and heart beats are now synchronizing. The brain piles on with a release of endorphins to soothe the psychological pain of our separation. New powers are now in control. Let them run in glory.”
Whatever happened to the good old “I’ve missed you” https://t.co/lYHt5aetuf
— akshatha (@ughkshatha2) December 31, 2025
In perhaps the most unsexy smut you’ve ever read, Bryan then talked about kissing Kate and the release of “nitric oxide” – whatever the hell that means.
Rounding off, he concluded: “I slip my hand under her shirt and brush the small of her back. Goosebumps spread like a wildfire across her body. Her hypothalamus stimulates the release of GnRH which tells the pituitary gland to wake up her reproductive system. Our olfactory systems consume each other with delight, signaling immune system compatibility.
“I move both my hands to her jawline, holding her head firmly in place. Our mirror neurons speak to each other. I know what she wants. My lips press against hers and I softly bite her lower lip. Kate’s blood vessels dilate from the acetylcholine and nitric oxide release, flushing her lips, skin and body. The cascade is nearing waterfall.
They’ve been in a relationship for 20 days btw
Think it’s plain to say, he has successfully reversed his age to 18 https://t.co/xyvo4w1xRF
—
cyber plantae
∿ (@cyber_plantae) December 30, 2025
“The executive control of our brains surrenders. No longer concerned with the 68 trillion cells. The prefrontal cortex goes dark. Eliminating future planning and probabilistic modeling. Activity in our parietal lobes diminishes, dissolving the boundary that distinguishes between self and other. No longer is there Kate and Bryan, just a singular biological entity suspended in a state of bliss. The outside world goes quiet. It doesn’t exist. We dissolve into raw existence.”
Literally no one needs a cold shower after reading that.
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Featured image credit: Bryan Johnson
