Forget haunted mansions and dark alleyways, Bristol’s true horrors lurk in plain sight. From the cursed incline of St Michael’s Hill to the collective dread of yet another Mentimeter poll, this is your guide to Bristol’s true haunts, all of which we encounter day to day.
1.St Michael’s Hill
Bristol’s very own version of Purgatory – its heavenly views only rewarded after a hellish hike to the top – St Michael’s Hill is a horror that many of us know too well. Every Bristol student has struggled up this cobbled nightmare at least once, only to arrive at their seminar ten minutes late, drenched in sweat, and drained of all life. Upon reaching the halfway point you’ll have experienced all five stages of grief before achieving a brief moment of enlightenment somewhere outside Co-op because you’ve almost made it. Think of it as Sisyphus and the Boulder, but one must not imagine a UoB student happy. Rumour has it that if you look closely enough, you can see the ghosts of past students who attempted the climb. Some say it’s just “good exercise”. Those people are wrong.
2. The Uni Gym
Venture within and you’ll instantly be met with the spirits of abandoned New Year’s resolutions and *jump scare* previous talking stages that have ghosted you. Mirrors line the walls ensuring that no flex goes unseen. In this haunted spot the air is thick with testosterone and the haunting sound of someone offering pointers to a stranger who definitely didn’t ask.Beware, exposed under flickering fluorescent lighting, you will inevitably catch a boy taking a post gym pump pic. My advice to you: do NOT maintain eye contact (or they’ll think you finna hit).
3. Black Sheep Coffee on a Monday
Few places on Earth capture the overstimulating chaos of the Black Sheep Coffee queue on a Monday morning. Consisting of thirsty performative males who have seen the TikTok craze, they line up for a matcha merely to impress the huzz. What begins as a simple quest for a £2 coffee, ends up as an audition for the new human centipede movie. Avoid the ghastly line snaking its way out of the door and down the street. You’ll pray this coffee won’t cut into next week’s budget, but if it does, you’ll tell yourself it was worth it anyway.
4. The Wills Memorial Library
The Wills library is haunted not by ghosts, but by the unshakable fear of not finding a seat. You arrive early, and somehow every desk is occupied by a seemingly soulless student acting as if they are in a Hogwarts library, when they look more like they’ve spent ten years at Azkaban, downing Monsters to scrape a pass in their first-year exams (you’re a fresher, touch some grass). Walking down the eerie aisle, you begin to tremble as your head turns from side to side, slowly recognising the face of someone you thought would be your best friend in freshers and never saw again.
5. The Wicked Arts Complex Stairs
They go up. They go down. They go sideways. You’ll find the stairs in the Arts Complex defying gravity. Each step takes you further from where you intended to go – you can try to hold space for them, but they won’t hold space for you.Google maps hasn’t reached here yet. You pass the same noticeboard three times and begin to suspect you’re in a Scooby-Doo chase montage. Somewhere, deep within the maze, lies your seminar room, taunting, mythical, and forever “just around the corner.” Abandon all hope those who timetable here.
6. The Redland Student House Kitchen
Every student house has its own unique horror, but none quite match the cursed ecosystem of a Redland kitchen. The oven has never worked and the fridge is a time capsule containing hummus from a tenant who graduated in 2006. A single fork circulates endlessly like a ghostly relic of dinners past.The sink is permanently full of an unknown substance. From weeks 1-6 you’ll see a transformation from demure to Demi Moore. Mould will eventually grow consciousness – by the end of the year it will be speaking to you more than your housemates will. Every so often you’ll hear a faint noise from the shadows groaning, “We should do a deep clean this weekend”. But no one ever does.
7. 9am Lectures in the Chemistry Building
You’re not asleep but you’re certainly not awake. You’re simply paralysed, out of your body, spectating yourself losing another game of Block Blast. The robotic tapping on keyboards, accompanied by the monotonous drone of your lecturer, may eventually lull you into a state of semi corporeal consciousness. You take notes you’ll never revisit, on a topic you’ve never heard of, for a formative you’ll never submit. This room is where motivation comes to die.
8. Mentimeter
Mentimeter, the digital Ouija Board of the modern lecture. During the séance, you’re asked to “respond honestly” while your classmates flood the screen with variations of the same 6 7 joke. Somewhere amidst the chaos, the lecturer will extract the few genuine answers like innards from a corpse. So, beware of the Bristol campus, for not only will you have to suffer dead chat, but you’re also doomed to see dead people.
