LAST week, I attended the funeral of the mother of a dear friend of mine, Robert, who’s the eldest of four children.
In his moving eulogy, he said his mother’s greatest achievement was to make all four of her kids certain they were her favourite.
Tess, pictured with her husband Eric, says that her children are well aware she has a ‘favourite’[/caption]
He was right — it’s a huge accomplishment to make your children feel equally special.
Because the truth is, while we love all our children, mums often do have a favourite — and no matter how hard you try to hide it, your kids always know.
Like most mums, I’ve always bent over backwards to ensure I treated my three kids — Henry, 31, Matt, 28, and Lily, 23 — equally.
I spent the same amount of cash on each of them at Christmas and birthdays, and went to all their school recitals and sports events — even if it meant leaving one child’s play halfway through to get to another kid’s cross country run.
Since they’ve grown up and left home, I’ve scrupulously divided my time and attention equally between them.
But deep down, one of them holds a particularly special place in my heart.
Admitting you prefer one of your children over the others is one of the last parental taboos.
It’s more controversial than admitting you smoked while pregnant, more shocking than confessing you wish you’d never had a child in the first place.
But while most parents will never say it, even to themselves, we all have a child whose company we enjoy best.
My own parents made no secret of the fact they favoured me, the firstborn of three children.
I was an easy baby, and became a hard-working, self-motivated kid. I got into Oxford, and then carved out a successful career as a journalist and bestselling novelist.
Meanwhile, my younger sister Philippa was a sickly child and fell behind at school, leaving when she was just 16 and later marrying and divorcing three times.
My brother Charles, the baby of the family, struggled with mental health issues and caused my parents sleepless nights well into adulthood.
I was never in any doubt my parents loved them too, but it must have been easy to prefer the child who reflected well on their parenting skills rather than the two who made them feel they’d got it all wrong.
I was determined not to make the same mistake when I became a mother myself. I adored Henry, from the moment he was born — even when he was a tiny baby, I felt I just “got” him.
When I fell pregnant with my second child, I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to love him as much as I loved Henry.
Matt suffered terribly with colic, and he puzzled me in a way Henry never had.
I loved him from the moment he drew breath, of course, but it took several years before I understood what made him tick.
While Tess admits that she has a favourite she would never let her children know who it is[/caption]
When the boys were eight and five, Lily came along — the daughter I’d longed for. As a baby she was far less demanding than her brothers, and as she grew up we connected in the way only mothers and daughters can.
Over the years, each of the children has rotated closer to me and then away and back again, depending on what’s happening in their lives.
But one of them has always been extra special to me — although it’s probably not the one they’d think.
I feel guilty about it, but I can’t help it. I’ve always done my best to hide it, and I certainly love the other two just as much.
The truth is, any of them may be “flavour of the month” at any given time, but in the end I consider myself very lucky to have three amazing children I can be proud of.
Henry is charismatic, adventurous and easy to be around — the perfect holiday companion. I love being with him, and he reminds me a lot of my father.
Matt’s more serious, and he’s the one I call when I want a deeper conversation about something on my mind. He’s incredibly thoughtful — on his birthday last month, he bought me a bouquet of flowers to thank me for “having” him.
He reminds me a lot of my mother, with his huge reserves of empathy and need to make the world a better place.
I probably have the most in common with Lily — she’s sharply funny and very practical, and we like many of the same things.
WHY DO PARENTS FAVOUR ONE CHILD?
According to findings by the American Psychological Association, birth order, temperament and gender can all lead to you favouring one child over the other.
The study analysed data from 30 studies and 14 databases which included information on more than 19,000 people.
As well as taking note of age, personality traits and gender, the researchers looked at how parents reported their overall treatment of each child, including positive and negative interactions.
Daughters and children who were more conscientious and agreeable received better treatment from their parents.
“The next time you’re left wondering whether your sibling is the golden child, remember there is likely more going on behind the scenes than just a preference for the eldest or youngest,” said lead study author Dr Alexander Jensen, an associate professor at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah.
“It might be about responsibility, temperament or just how easy or hard you are to deal with.”
She’s the one I spend most time with these days — we often have girl trips to the salon for a mani/pedi, and this week we even got second and third ear piercings together!
But I still see a lot of her brothers, too. Last October I hiked the Grand Canyon with Henry, and Matt and I often meet for lunch, as he’s the one who lives nearest to me now Henry has moved to Florida.
As for which one is my favourite — well, you’d have to ask them.
Henry, 31, says: “I’m definitely Mum’s favourite. Well, it’s only natural — I mean, look at her other options.
“Given the competition, it has to be me.”
Matt, 28, says: “Favourite child? Depends on who’s made her the most recent cup of tea — she likes just the right amount of skimmed milk.
“That’s what separates the wheat from the chaff in her eyes, and I make the perfect cup of tea, so draw your own conclusions. “
Lily, 23, says: “Mum lets Henry get away with the most, but that’s because he’s basically a manchild, not because he’s her favourite.
“She and I get on really well, but honestly I don’t think she has a favourite — or if she does, she hides it brilliantly.”
‘The New House’ by Tess Stimson, out now
Tess’ three children weighed in on who they think the favourite is[/caption]
